Ever wonder why real change is so difficult?
Consider breaking a habit: why do you suppose that you slide back to your 'old ways' again and again?
You have two components to your mind: conscious and subconscious. The conscious mind handles all the logical business (weighing, considering and accepting or rejecting) and the subconscious mind handles everything else (including imagining, daydreaming, wishing and hoping). If you LOVE to eat too much or drink too much or smoke or whatever, you do the loving of those things with your subconscious mind. You have to marry the warm fuzzy feelings/thoughts of drinking & smoking with your imagination: with the IDEA of this being a good thing to do...the reasons you choose are your own (sort of).
Enjoyment happens in the imagination (subconscious mind). You don't 'rationalize' enjoyment (conscious mind) unless you have already decided you want to enjoy (subconscious mind) something. If you decide you need to quit something for health reasons, you do that with your conscious (logical) mind. You then use your 'will' (conscious mind) to try and turn your craving (subconscious compulsion) away from whatever you're trying to quit doing when the urge (subconscious mind) arises. It's estimated that the conscious mind takes up 5 % of total mind and the subconscious mind takes up the other 95%. Ever see 5 of anything in a fight with 95 of anything? Are you still wondering why real change is so difficult?
Comments welcome. :)
C ya next week.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Bullying
Unless you've been under a rock someplace or you don't own a computer, you've heard by now about the little Australian boy who has become a hero by being more violent then the child that was picking on him. I couldn't find the video to tell you how many millions of times it's been viewed but I did see it on every major news outlet and the boy will probably be going on tour soon... perhaps a co-bill with Charlie Sheen...
These boys are two sides of the same coin. Bullies feel powerless so they take their power from someone else: usually the most powerless kid they can find. Now I know some of you are going to have a fit (at least I hope so) and say I'm blaming the victim, but it should be perfectly obvious to us that both of these boys are victims and I'm not blaming anyone. If the kid who was bullied felt worthy enough, he would have a bunch of loving friends. Kids with a bunch of friends don't get bullied. If the bully felt worthy enough he would have been doing something constructive with his time instead of hanging out with a bunch of other kids who actually found this atrocity funny enough to film. Maybe he would have even been friends with the kid he was bullying.
We, as individuals within a society, need to reconnect with our own power. That never comes from someone else. That is the only way we can teach our children to do the same.
Now, I know some of you are saying that the child should not stand there and let the bully 'get away with it' and I agree with you. What I'm saying is that we have failed both of these kids by allowing them to feel powerless enough to find themselves in this situation in the first place.
How different would this whole debate be if the bully had landed on his head and died? Who would be the hero then?
We are calling this boy a hero. Do we really need a bunch of powerless children all over the world right now striving to be a hero? If these kids had gotten the kind of attention that would allowed them to understand how powerful they really are, they surely (neither one of them) would not be getting the kind of attention they are getting right now.
But, the pendulum swings. There is no up without down and the incident happened (I hope) so that at the very least we could learn something. So what did society supposedly learn? That we should hit the kid that hits us, harder then he hit us. THEN, you too can become a hero, be celebrated by millions and end up on the news.
These boys are two sides of the same coin. Bullies feel powerless so they take their power from someone else: usually the most powerless kid they can find. Now I know some of you are going to have a fit (at least I hope so) and say I'm blaming the victim, but it should be perfectly obvious to us that both of these boys are victims and I'm not blaming anyone. If the kid who was bullied felt worthy enough, he would have a bunch of loving friends. Kids with a bunch of friends don't get bullied. If the bully felt worthy enough he would have been doing something constructive with his time instead of hanging out with a bunch of other kids who actually found this atrocity funny enough to film. Maybe he would have even been friends with the kid he was bullying.
We, as individuals within a society, need to reconnect with our own power. That never comes from someone else. That is the only way we can teach our children to do the same.
Now, I know some of you are saying that the child should not stand there and let the bully 'get away with it' and I agree with you. What I'm saying is that we have failed both of these kids by allowing them to feel powerless enough to find themselves in this situation in the first place.
How different would this whole debate be if the bully had landed on his head and died? Who would be the hero then?
We are calling this boy a hero. Do we really need a bunch of powerless children all over the world right now striving to be a hero? If these kids had gotten the kind of attention that would allowed them to understand how powerful they really are, they surely (neither one of them) would not be getting the kind of attention they are getting right now.
But, the pendulum swings. There is no up without down and the incident happened (I hope) so that at the very least we could learn something. So what did society supposedly learn? That we should hit the kid that hits us, harder then he hit us. THEN, you too can become a hero, be celebrated by millions and end up on the news.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Teflon Mind
OK,
So I've invented a new game.
For the average person, part of enjoying life in peaceful coexistence with your fellow human beings, is trying to 'get through' the day without coming across like the "A-hole' you think many of them are. Now I have to tell you I'm in a pretty brilliant mood right now and I'm finding this really funny but there's nothing funny about walking around in a huge funk because someone 'else' (as though that were possible) P'ed you off. I was with my partner in the grocery yesterday and 'god bless her' as we say her in NL, she was having a day. You know those days when you can't believe they're charging that much for... and the person on the mobile phone should either shop or... and the quality of the produce is... OK, we get the point.
So, I invented a game called teflon mind. You know that stuff that frying pans are made out of that doesn't stick? Well, I have this theory that many of us have way too sticky a mind. In other words, we make ourselves sick or angry or anything else, by dwelling on things that are none of our business. Take for example the price of something in the market or someone on their phone. You have one of two choices which seems so obvious really, but still so many of us take choice number three. Bitch and complain and then go ahead and do what we were going to have to do anyway: buy the product or don't and/or walk around or wait for the person on the phone. As far as the person on the phone is concerned, you could just realize that you neither had to go around or wait for the person, you were just judging them on automatic pilot without ever considering that you didn't need to. With the obvious choice, they finish their conversation about something that was none of your business and you don't get an ulcer...reasonable trade off if I ever heard one. So Back to the game...
I promise, the next time you're at the grocery and you or your partner is having a bad day, you will turn it around in an instant with this game. *Warning* You have to discuss the rules before either of you is in a bad mood or you might get a punch in your not so teflon head...just sayin'.
Before you walk into the grocery store, put on your imaginary teflon helmet. Ok I know I don't sound the least bit sane here but you are smilin' already I can feel it. Now, since I know some of you, please don't get a real teflon helmet or if you do, let me know when you're getting groceries and I'll go somewhere else... OK, so, put on your imaginary helmet and the game begins. As you walk into the super market, nothing can stick to your mind for the whole time you're there. The price is the price. There are carts or their aren't. There are people on their phones or there aren't. It is crowded or it isn't. Don't let a single one of these or any other judgments 'stick' to your mind. Now here's the catch. You don't get to win this game until you've gone through one complete trip the the market without a single fraction of a second 'stick'. Think you can?
You will be amazed at how enjoyable the time in there can be. So much so in fact, that if you practice this on days when you're in a great mood and then continue to practice every time you go into the market, you will find after a while, you won't need your teflon helmet in there any more. Then, you can start taking it to work, or anywhere else you want to take it.
Let me know how it goes. Feedback welcome.
C ya next week!
So I've invented a new game.
For the average person, part of enjoying life in peaceful coexistence with your fellow human beings, is trying to 'get through' the day without coming across like the "A-hole' you think many of them are. Now I have to tell you I'm in a pretty brilliant mood right now and I'm finding this really funny but there's nothing funny about walking around in a huge funk because someone 'else' (as though that were possible) P'ed you off. I was with my partner in the grocery yesterday and 'god bless her' as we say her in NL, she was having a day. You know those days when you can't believe they're charging that much for... and the person on the mobile phone should either shop or... and the quality of the produce is... OK, we get the point.
So, I invented a game called teflon mind. You know that stuff that frying pans are made out of that doesn't stick? Well, I have this theory that many of us have way too sticky a mind. In other words, we make ourselves sick or angry or anything else, by dwelling on things that are none of our business. Take for example the price of something in the market or someone on their phone. You have one of two choices which seems so obvious really, but still so many of us take choice number three. Bitch and complain and then go ahead and do what we were going to have to do anyway: buy the product or don't and/or walk around or wait for the person on the phone. As far as the person on the phone is concerned, you could just realize that you neither had to go around or wait for the person, you were just judging them on automatic pilot without ever considering that you didn't need to. With the obvious choice, they finish their conversation about something that was none of your business and you don't get an ulcer...reasonable trade off if I ever heard one. So Back to the game...
I promise, the next time you're at the grocery and you or your partner is having a bad day, you will turn it around in an instant with this game. *Warning* You have to discuss the rules before either of you is in a bad mood or you might get a punch in your not so teflon head...just sayin'.
Before you walk into the grocery store, put on your imaginary teflon helmet. Ok I know I don't sound the least bit sane here but you are smilin' already I can feel it. Now, since I know some of you, please don't get a real teflon helmet or if you do, let me know when you're getting groceries and I'll go somewhere else... OK, so, put on your imaginary helmet and the game begins. As you walk into the super market, nothing can stick to your mind for the whole time you're there. The price is the price. There are carts or their aren't. There are people on their phones or there aren't. It is crowded or it isn't. Don't let a single one of these or any other judgments 'stick' to your mind. Now here's the catch. You don't get to win this game until you've gone through one complete trip the the market without a single fraction of a second 'stick'. Think you can?
You will be amazed at how enjoyable the time in there can be. So much so in fact, that if you practice this on days when you're in a great mood and then continue to practice every time you go into the market, you will find after a while, you won't need your teflon helmet in there any more. Then, you can start taking it to work, or anywhere else you want to take it.
Let me know how it goes. Feedback welcome.
C ya next week!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
You time
When I ask people about the time they take for themselves these days, the answer so often has something to do with television that I feel compelled to write a little about it this morning.
'You time' should seldom be spent doing nothing. There are very few places where is it possible for you to be less conscious than in front of the t.v. I'm not saying you should never watch t.v. You will notice however, that if you ever get too busy to watch, you don't miss it one bit.
Those of you with a constructive hobby will know the joy you get from accomplishing something in your 'spare time'. The only problem I see with that, is in calling it spare time.
Time for yourself is the most valuable time you can spend. It should never be the time you spend when life is finished getting in the way. You will wake up soon enough and realize that all of the 'getting through it' creates a culture of mental habit that has you 'getting through' everything instead of giving yourself to it.
You can spend time for yourself with your kids if that's what energizes you. Yes, some people really feel that way. Some people have chosen their job so wisely, it never occurs to them that they are actually working: ask most musicians, poets, writers or people who 'love' what they do. That doesn't mean that they don't like to get home and put their feet up after a day of loving what they do, that's called tired.
For some of us, all we really need to do is stop long enough to organize out thoughts. Like those boxes in the garage you've been meaning to get to. Consider what time you have 'created' for you. You may do things you love, but you may do them with an attitude that robs you of the energy you can receive from the doing. Reading is doing, writing is doing, meditating is doing: but fixing things can be fun and organizing things can be fun and... I hope you get the idea.
Most importantly, 'you time' isn't called you time because of what it means to anybody else. It also doesn't have to be spent alone although it's best not to 'rely' on someone else for it.
Consider what you do for you. Then consider how what you do for you impacts on your ability to relate to everyone else.
Isn't it time for a little you time?
See ya next week
'You time' should seldom be spent doing nothing. There are very few places where is it possible for you to be less conscious than in front of the t.v. I'm not saying you should never watch t.v. You will notice however, that if you ever get too busy to watch, you don't miss it one bit.
Those of you with a constructive hobby will know the joy you get from accomplishing something in your 'spare time'. The only problem I see with that, is in calling it spare time.
Time for yourself is the most valuable time you can spend. It should never be the time you spend when life is finished getting in the way. You will wake up soon enough and realize that all of the 'getting through it' creates a culture of mental habit that has you 'getting through' everything instead of giving yourself to it.
You can spend time for yourself with your kids if that's what energizes you. Yes, some people really feel that way. Some people have chosen their job so wisely, it never occurs to them that they are actually working: ask most musicians, poets, writers or people who 'love' what they do. That doesn't mean that they don't like to get home and put their feet up after a day of loving what they do, that's called tired.
For some of us, all we really need to do is stop long enough to organize out thoughts. Like those boxes in the garage you've been meaning to get to. Consider what time you have 'created' for you. You may do things you love, but you may do them with an attitude that robs you of the energy you can receive from the doing. Reading is doing, writing is doing, meditating is doing: but fixing things can be fun and organizing things can be fun and... I hope you get the idea.
Most importantly, 'you time' isn't called you time because of what it means to anybody else. It also doesn't have to be spent alone although it's best not to 'rely' on someone else for it.
Consider what you do for you. Then consider how what you do for you impacts on your ability to relate to everyone else.
Isn't it time for a little you time?
See ya next week
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Assumptions
Thought I'd draw a little story from my own life today and see if anyone else can relate.
I don't consider myself a perfectionist by any means, but apparently I have my moments.
It's remarkable that, as someone who helps other people negotiate problem areas in their lives, I still fall prey to the simplest of issues sometimes. Labels are assumptions. We see traits called perfectionist, bully, selfish, domineering, "add whichever one suits here" and we assume we can rely on that person to 'be that' every time we meet them. In other words, we label them. The fun (or sad) part about that is, if you have a solid enough assumption about someone, they will rise to the occasion every time.
Now one of the things that enables me to see the world the way I do is that, when I see something I particularly like or don't like about someone, I look to myself to see why. What is in me that feels that way? Because I know no one else can make me feel anything, why then, does person 'x' illicit this reaction in me...then, why do I feel this way?
Anyone who knows me would say that unless it comes to singing or vocal harmonies, I don't have a single perfectionist bone in my body, that's just not my label. Well, last week we got back off the road Monday night late and when I got up Tuesday morning it was time to write this blog. I didn't feel like anything I had to say would be of interest to anyone....it just wouldn't be good enough...perfectionist? In that moment...and in fact, subsequent moments, I was.
Moral of the story? No one is always anything. I accepted the fact that I began this morning doing the same thing and I just stayed in that feeling until this blog presented itself. Be your own best teacher. No one could ever know you the way you do. When you see something in someone else, ask what it is in you that relates to that behavior in the way you do. Why is it so great? Why is it not so great?
The answer won't always be the same because thankfully, you won't. But it will always be inspirational.
See ya next week...I promise.
I don't consider myself a perfectionist by any means, but apparently I have my moments.
It's remarkable that, as someone who helps other people negotiate problem areas in their lives, I still fall prey to the simplest of issues sometimes. Labels are assumptions. We see traits called perfectionist, bully, selfish, domineering, "add whichever one suits here" and we assume we can rely on that person to 'be that' every time we meet them. In other words, we label them. The fun (or sad) part about that is, if you have a solid enough assumption about someone, they will rise to the occasion every time.
Now one of the things that enables me to see the world the way I do is that, when I see something I particularly like or don't like about someone, I look to myself to see why. What is in me that feels that way? Because I know no one else can make me feel anything, why then, does person 'x' illicit this reaction in me...then, why do I feel this way?
Anyone who knows me would say that unless it comes to singing or vocal harmonies, I don't have a single perfectionist bone in my body, that's just not my label. Well, last week we got back off the road Monday night late and when I got up Tuesday morning it was time to write this blog. I didn't feel like anything I had to say would be of interest to anyone....it just wouldn't be good enough...perfectionist? In that moment...and in fact, subsequent moments, I was.
Moral of the story? No one is always anything. I accepted the fact that I began this morning doing the same thing and I just stayed in that feeling until this blog presented itself. Be your own best teacher. No one could ever know you the way you do. When you see something in someone else, ask what it is in you that relates to that behavior in the way you do. Why is it so great? Why is it not so great?
The answer won't always be the same because thankfully, you won't. But it will always be inspirational.
See ya next week...I promise.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)